Confessions

Wit and charm as a weapon I use to keep you away
Inside me is a rat, chewing it’s way through me
It desperately wants to get out
I’m terrified that you’ll realize I’m empty
a cardboard cut-out of a person that you think you know because I’ve made you think you know him. It’s all a fiction. He doesn’t exist. I created him because I thought you would like him better than a sack of flesh with no light inside.

I want you all to go away and leave and never return.
I want to burn your homes, your cars and everything that can hurt you and laugh and spit as it all falls apart in my hands so that you can see me as I see me.
I want to hit someone, something, anything until the skin on my knuckles goes raw and bone tears through and grinds and snaps and splinters. leaving blood and bone and pain.
It is all red

I want you to leave me
Everything that I have ever touched or laid eyes upon is feces because of me
I am King Midas wearing a crown of filth

I want you to go
I don’t want to be anywhere near you
I’m so scared to be alone

I like to smile and be the center of attention
The warm center where I can leach all the love and energy from everyone else
I enjoy imagining that I am a vampire of happiness
Taking it from you all like a thief.
Best of all, you don’t even realize that I committed the crime

I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom
wondering why I wasn’t gone yet
feeling like a failure
this is just another thing that didn’t go right

Sometimes I stare at her or you or others and I wonder
why do you bother?
what is the point?
I have nothing that matters
I do nothing that is meaningful
I am a deep hole that gives nothing back

you take my hand
your touch is like knives
and you love me

I don’t think I’ll ever understand